Renewal Center May 2016

Cleaning Your Closet

Some people who have experienced abuse can sometimes become emotionally hard, unyielding and unforgiving. There’s a need to work on ourselves, if not the abused can become the abuser!

In the reading there are places where you are to fill in the blanks working on your moral fiber, but for the sake of continuity and time I’ll fill in the blanks.

Some closets are pretty much in order a little cleaning here and there is all you need. You go about stacking your I  love – you tokens in place, and sweeping out mis-understanding and resentments. You throw out that old tattle-tale container that’s spilling over with lies, and rumors. You re-connect your “I’m sorry” bottom, which had fallen behind your “I forgive you” box. And you remembered not to put a lid on that box as it is used often. Then you bring out your matching luggage of _Joy &_Peace__ and put it right in front of the closet! Now you’re done.

Others on the other hand,  are large walk-in closets and a bit more challenging, and need help. Your needful things have been there for years packed, pushed, shoved, and hidden in the back of the closet. You can’t get to them in a hurry so you grab what’s nearest and go about your business.
But now it’s time to clean your closet because what’s in the back of the closet should be at the front and you need it everyday. As you go about the drudgery of throwing things out…stopping occasionally to examine an item, or read an old love letter, there’s an awareness– a Presence— as if someone was gingerly leading and guiding- “Let’s see what we got here, ah yes, throw out that transparent bag of resentment that’s the first to go. Destroy those twin boxes of envy and strife it doesn’t fit who you are. Now that red box of anger put it outside the closet—wait don’t throw it out in rage, or kick it out in hot temper, lay it aside. Anger no longer works for you. Now look up… over your head, right in the middle of the shelf where your hat boxes are, yes, right there, see that decorated overly larger box? It’s pride. I hate pride, I’ve been trying to get it out of your closet for a long time, that’s to be burned with all it’s contents.
Just a few more items and you are there. To your left side way in the back, in the corner — do you see what looks like a collage of clothing? Go back there, and look closely, it’s not clothing at all, it’s an illusion, its mental possessions that occupy and squeeze out your spiritual life daily, put those out to be burned also. Now put in the trash that double-sided os-cil-lating sign of “guilt & shame; guilt & shame, it vacillates back and forth, back and forth, in your face to bind you spiritually.
Finally, you have worked yourself to the very back of the closet and find what is needed. “Oh! Here it is! How could it have gotten so far back in the closet?” Hurriedly you bring it to the light and examine it– turning it around and shaking it out. It’s still in good condition, Ahh… you breathe a big sigh of relief. That’s what’s been missing—Longsuffering & Kindness: so you vowed to keep it out in the open-and use it everyday.
Brenda McGibboney-author

Abusers Traits

The first recorded instance of abuse was in the bible when Cain killed his brother Abel out of jealousy.

 An abuser  can be anyone, as evidenced from the Bible.  Abusers  are  in  every culture,  ethnic group, and nationality in the world, there  are both male, and female abusers, but most  perpetrators of abuse are male.

“Now Cain said… let’s go out to the field.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.” Genesis 4:8

I’ve found  five  predominant traits  of an abuser. I’m sure there are  many more but these five come readily to mind regarding  most abusers.

Charismatic

They  are  charismatic/charming,  there’s a certain attractive quality about them.  They are extremely  polite,  and  even  delightful  to be around. One would say “ he’s  a charmer” or Mr./Ms. Personality”.

Most often they are physically attractive, although there are some  who are not so attractive, but  for the most part they are attractive looking, or have  some quality about them that’s  appealing.

Most people can’t believe  that  the person is an abuser they can’t  see beyond the his/her fascinating personality.

In fact  in some instances, children, even though they may actually see the abuse, believe  that somehow you the victim  was the cause of the abuse, why else would  such a sweet person do what he/she does?   They miss the whole point  of  abuse-Power and Control.

We normally look at the outward appearance of a person, but the Lord looks at the heart of a person (I Samuel 16:7).

 Jealousy

An  abuser  can be extremely hateful and  jealous of  his/her love relationships. Usually they have an unhealthy, unfounded suspicion of their spouse/or friend.

 Controlling

Most abusers whether male of female can be controlling in their behavior;  they must have the upper hand, dominance, rule in their affairs with their loved ones.

 Deceptive

Most abusers can be very deceptive, dishonesty, and full of guile they  somehow  manage to juggle situations, people and circumstances to their benefit. They are  convincing  impostors.

 A Proud Heart

Most abusers are proud, arrogant, and egotistical   they have an unrepentant spirit  about abuse, and most things. They  believe what they have done was to keep things in control for your good.  They may  cry, and plead even  ask for your forgiveness, but  it is not  sincere, for  soon the  slander and abuse starts all over again.

Here of  Some Characteristics of Abusers

 They  men/women may track you and your whereabouts-mileage, phone calls, social media, etc.

They may try to control your money. If they are the chief bread winner they keep the money

When angry destroys property

Threaten you

Physical abusive

Emotionally abusive

Psychological  abusive

Blames you for his outbursts

May have a poor self-image

May have a history of family violence

Verbally abusive

May be unfaithful in marital relationship

May have alcohol/drug addiction

May have gambling addiction

Most abusers like to rush into a relationship

Humiliates you

Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde syndrome

If you have found some of these traits or characteristics constantly being displayed  in your relationship it’s time to  get help as soon as possible.

Spiritually:   First of all pray and ask the Lord to show you how to handle the situation that you’re  currently  in.   Ask the Lord to give you divine strategies in the situation.

Naturally: If your significant other is physically violent  take tangible steps to get help as soon as possible, and remove yourself from harms way.  Remember faith without doing something to help yourself is useless.

If the situation is  violent, and children are involved  Please call for Emergency Help 911; National Domestic Violence  Hotline 1 800 799-7233 (SAFE) 1 800 787-3224 (TDD)

“My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.” Hosea 4:6

Whether you exercise your rights, or not, knowing victims rights in the midst of domestic violence will empower you. Your rights give you options. In the United States of America whether you are a citizen, a legally resident, or staying illegally… you have legal rights.

If you don’t know your rights most often abusers will try to take away as many of your rights as possible through fear, intimidation, and/or abuse. Your abuser’s actions do not change the fact that legally you have rights.

KNOW THE LAW FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

You have the right to religious freedom
You have the right to equal protection of the law, whether you are legally, or illegally in this country.
You have the right to come and go within the United States of America whenever you please.
You have the right to see and talk to whomever you want, whenever you want to.
You have the right to express yourself freely.
You have the right to further your education if you want to.
You have the right to work and choose your career as long as you are a citizen, or have a worker’s visa.
You have the right to your earned wages and to spend them as you prefer.
You have the right to refuse sex when you don’t want it.
You have the right to have sex when you want and with whomever you want, as long as the other person agrees.
You have the right to choose if, and when you have children, and how many.
You have the right to take your children and hide with them from you abuser, even if your abuser is the other biological parent. Make sure you verify this with your State of residence. You have the right to live your life without violence.

For further information on your rights, I highly recommend http://www.justicewomen.com Know the Law for Domestic Violence in your State. See http://hotline.Women’s Law.org   And  www. LawHelp.org/NC

Definition of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.

Examples of abuse include:
name-calling or putdowns
keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
withholding money
stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
actual or threatened physical harm
sexual assault
stalking
intimidation

Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence

Intimate Partner Violence: Definitions

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a serious, preventable public health problem that affects millions of Americans. The term “intimate partner violence” describes physical, sexual, or psychological harm by a current or former partner or spouse. This type of violence can occur among heterosexual or same-sex couples and does not require sexual intimacy.
IPV can vary in frequency and severity. It occurs on a continuum, ranging from one hit that may or may not impact the victim to chronic, severe battering.
There are four main types of intimate partner violence
Physical violence, Sexual violence, Threats physical/sexual violence, and Psychological/emotional (Saltzman et al. 2002).